lookseen's Blog

Here I am about to leave ep and now another curve ball.  Got the results from heart tests and it seems I will need an operation to keep me going.  Life is fragile so do what really makes you happy and be with those who you really love and love you. Nothing else matters but of course..your health...

It was a long day from 6am till 9 pm with work and study. I was over anxious facing the reality of what I was about to do and was completely exhausted by the time we were in the same room. I looked over and thought ill let her movie finish then ill do it . Once it finished she bolted so I did not get a chance so had my shower hoping to do it after I came out. Well that didnt happen as she was in deep sleep by the time I came out . My anxiety frustration was at a record high. I never fell asleep but stayed up a night then went straight to work. Looking back I was not relaxed at all and could simply not do it at the time. Still I'd never come so close to doing it and face the reality like that. I realised for some divine reason I could not do it. I realised that I must be comfortable to know to let go before I do it and the state of the long day just sabotaged my attempt and has me thinking that I need to be strong comfortable in my choice then I won't hold back to just let it happen.

It is just churning in my head round and round...she is close to me and I just cant pull the trigger and I think I really need to do as the talk I had 2 odd years ago when I fought to improve my marriage problems for the better but was met with a barrage of hostility. As then I wrote my thoughts down as to how to approach ask and then lead it to where it must go. This is not easy..this is very very very hard because I admit sadness and fear but I know this sadness fear is very normal.It does not however change my marriage nor decision to leave.. I gave that talk a few years back  a  to give her a chance to shape up but she treated me like an enemy...
 I need to write my thoughts coherently then do this... Right now its doing my dam head in...
Still with the last talk I wrote my thoughts and tried to stick to a date but simply built up to it and just let it rip..I feel I must do this again...